The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
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