I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
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