then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
Randomize
