i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Randomize
