I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
Randomize
