My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Hilbilly word of the day is cedar, example....I knowed she ain\'t got no panties on cuz I cedar cooter.
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
