K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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