I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize
