I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
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