the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
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