I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
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