the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
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