So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Randomize
