everyone is single if you try hard enough
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
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