I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Randomize
