FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
