my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
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