its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
