In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Randomize
