I met the friendliest cop last night
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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