You made me cry and you don't even care
so the car was packed with everything from my dorm, plus my mom. during the 6 hour trip home she found my kama sutra. started flippin through it.....
oh shit that had to have been awkward
i thought so too. until she asked what the check marks were for
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
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