Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
Randomize
