Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
Only a mothe r could love this liver
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
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