Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Randomize
