i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
Randomize
