the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
does wine, beer, and vodka mix well??
dude, everything can mix, this is college.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
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