Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
He shit in the fireplace
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize
