I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
Randomize
