I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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