i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Randomize
