i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
I have fence marks all over my body
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
