I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
Randomize
