If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
I'm getting married
To pizza
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
