So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
