My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
