i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
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