I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
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