I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
