on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
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