I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
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Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
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Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.