Where are you?
In a non slutty way
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.