just wrote on a church. and then stalked a boy, by the way, i fucked him. him being your friend, also, love tacos.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
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