Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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