I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
