I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
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So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
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It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
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