why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
Randomize
