I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
You were trust falling into bushes
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
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