The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
Randomize
