Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
Randomize
