I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
Randomize
