Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
Dude, I don't think I'll ever be able to find a girl for me...
Is this the gay conversation?
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
