weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
Randomize
