i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
he high fived his dick after we had sex
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
Randomize
