Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Randomize
