The brown eye won't let me do that either.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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