Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
Randomize
