She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
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