So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
Randomize
