I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
Let's create a 16 and pregnant drinking game
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
If I had your ass I would rule the world
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
