All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
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